Gripping What Needs to be Released

Asleep at the Wheel

Somewhere

Someone

Drives though the night,

Staying awake in spite of the

Black wooshing wind,

Dark sleeping tunes,

Headlights that blend into

One long stream of

Blindness—

Wrong for this darkness,

And closes her eyes for

One sleeping second

Lured into blackness,

Calmed by

Noises shifting to silence and

Cradles

Me into

Dreams of

Someone

Reading at night in my

Comfortable chair at

Home where it’s

So safe to doze off when

All the world’s sleeping.

I float

Sleeping and

Dreaming of

Driving myself through a

Long night full of wind and blurred lights on a

road where

Someone is driving--

Falling asleep at the wheel, an

Accident not yet happened.
                                             -Me

For over a decade of my early adulthood, I carried too much, rested too little, pushed too hard. I think I wanted to do it all and do it all perfectly. Ignoring the body I live in, I stayed up late, woke up early, and rationalized that my too-little sleep was enough. Night drives pretty much guaranteed I would doze off at the wheel; eventually, I progressed to nodding off during daytime drives, squinting from sunshine.

But I changed when my boys were born.

Or at least I thought I did. I learned to pull over when I was drowsy. I learned to avoid long drives alone with them. I let my husband drive at night.

I wanted to be the perfect parent. And the perfect wife. And the perfect teacher. And so I worked into the nights and got up with the babies and awoke before the house stirred to get head starts that didn’t seem to get anyone any farther ahead.

One day I opened my eyes after a 3-hour, nightmarish struggle to awake from a nap I had fallen unwillingly into to realize my little guys had been left unattended, unprotected, open to danger. And God opened my eyes:

“Unless the Lord builds the house,

    its builders labor in vain.

Unless the Lord watches over the city,

    the watchmen stand guard in vain.

In vain you rise early and stay up late,

    toiling for food to eat—

For he grants sleep to those He loves.” –Psalm 127:1-2

New course charted. This irresponsible driver gave over the wheel, and God absolutely grants me sleep, energy, and refreshment as I carry on. Admittedly, though, this imperfect woman still tries to grab the wheel back, only to be taught the same lesson again. I can be a slow learner.

What about you? What are you holding on to that really needs to be laid aside?

This blog post is part of a series of writing (May 31-June 2012) by Tammy Fletcher Bergland about holding on and letting go.   tbergland.blogspot.com